The Early Days of a Better Nation

Sunday, May 18, 2003

2001 and All That

(or, Life before and after the End of History)

'Events, events, events.'
- Ted Grant

'In the early morning in 11 September 2001 four Plaines were
hitchiked from American Airports.'
- a first-year University student essay


This slim volume (well, page, really) has two notable predecessors (or
precedents), 1066 and All That by Sellar and Yeatman, and 1984 and
All That
by Paul Manning. The latter brought the story begun by Sellar
and Yeatman up to the eponymous date. Much history, including the End of
it, has happened since. Even after the End of History, many events have
taken place. In the spirit of my distinguished precursors, and at least
one distinguished President, I think it important that they should not
be remembered.


Karl Marx said that communist society would bear the birthmarks of the
old, and Mikhail Gorbachev bore one of them on top of his head.
Gorbachev rose to power as a result of the Chernobyl Reaction, which
came about because the Russians discovered that their previous two
leaders - Brezhnev, Andropov, and Chernenko (these are three, but the
third does not count) - were dead but still standing. They had been
propped up every May Day on the Leaning Mausoleum, reviewing the workers
and soldiers who marched past. The workers and soldiers carried large
pictures of the leaders to help them remember who they were, and for
many years, they did. Fortunately for them, President Reagan had by then
forgotten who he was too.

Gorbachev attempted two important things. The first was to abolish the
Leading Roll of the Party. Without its Leading Roll the Party did not
know what to do, and it lost the elections. Afterwards it won elections
again, but without its Leading Roll it could do nothing, except sit in
Parliament, which was soon abolished to save democracy (see under
Yeltsin). Because it was abolished with artillery it became known as an
Empty Shell.

The second thing Gorbachev did was to introduce Russia to the market.
The problem was that Russia did not have bourgeois civility, so after it
was introduced to the market it did not know what to say to it. Instead
it stood about with its hands in its pockets, until it found that its
pockets were empty. Its pockets had been picked by the Russian Mafia,
which is just like the Sicilian one, except it is not Roman Catholic so
does not have a Godfather at its head. Instead it has Ministers, like

The outcome of this was the Restoration of Capitalism, which was a Good
Thing. Francis Fukayama wrote that it meant the End of History. The
whole world would become like Switzerland, because people no longer had
anything important to fight over. Saddam Hussein read this in April, and
misunderstood it, so he invaded Kuwait, which is like Switzerland,
except that it is flat and sandy and it has votes for women. A great
Collision had to be brought together to drive him out. In the end his
troops surrendered to CNN and were killed by the Collision, on the
Highway of Death.

This was the beginning of the New Word Order. It is what we used to have
instead of History. Many important events happened in it, notably the
Destruction of Yugoslavia and the Death of Diana. Yugoslavia had to be
destroyed because the Serbs lived all over it and practised ethnic
cleansing. This was stopped by another Collision and the Serbs now live
only in Serbia. Serbia has been a democracy ever since its elected
government was overthrown by policemen driving tractors. Diana died
because of yet another Collision. The car she was being driven in was
driven into a Parisian tunnel support pillar, known as a paparazzo.
People still lay flowers at the pillar.

The New Word Order lasted until September 11 2001, when hitchhikers took
over four airliners with box-cutters and flew them into the Twin Towers
and the Pentagram (and Pennsylvania). After that it was generally
understood that the whole world would not ever become like Switzerland,
and Swiss Army knives were banned from airliners. This has prevented any
more hitchhiking.

Afghanistan was bombed to get rid of Osama Bin Laden. He now no longer
lives in Afghanistan but in the hearts of millions of devoted followers.
Iraq was bombed to kill Saddam Hussein and to get rid of his Weapons of
Mass Destruction, which are now in the hands of the people of Iraq.

America is still Top Nation.


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